Waiting

"I look up to the mountains -- does my help come from there? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth!"

Psalm 121:1-2

It's been 24 days so far. It's been a hard 24 days.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm defeated.

I feel like a failure.

I feel alone.

For 24 days, I've felt as though I'm barely hanging on. Some days it seems impossible to juggle all of the things I need to do. 

I feel guilty for doing anything I actually want to do. 

I finally semi-adjusted to being a full-time teacher and then our entire routine was flipped upside-down.

Just 3 days later, we found out we're moving.

Moving?!

And not just moving ... But moving across the country.

I've walked around in a state of shock for a couple of weeks now. 

When anyone asks me how I feel about it, I don't know how to answer.

Am I sad?

YES! We've made a home here!

We just bought a HOUSE here!

This is where Charlotte was born. 

This is where Jack has been raised and made friends and been in school.

We have friends here.

We have family within driving distance.

Am I sad?

Of course I'm sad!

I feel ashamed and guilty for being so attached to this house, but this was supposed to be our home. 

Our home.

And everyone can laugh if they want ... but what about the turtles?!

Jack and I love the sea turtles!

We've made so many memories on these beaches. Finding sand dollars and shark teeth. Seeing little baby turtles run to the water. Watching the sunsets.

Am I sad?

I'm heartbroken.

\BUT.

Am I excited?

Of course I'm excited!

There are so many new things to see and do in Washington!

I get to home school my babies for a year and take them on adventures!

I get to run half-marathons in a new state.

Am I excited?

Yes!

We get to go apple picking.

We get to see waterfalls!

We get to experience fall.

Charlotte won't have to ask, "Mommy, what's snow?"

The bookstores and culture are limitless.

And everyone can laugh if they want ... but they have WHALES!!

We get to ride ferryboats and see whales!

Of course I'm excited!

The road trip across the country alone is cause for excitement!

But how can I feel such strong opposing emotions?

I don't know how I've done it ... but I've shut myself down emotionally.

And then this week ... Charlotte gets sick.

Again.

For the second time in 24 days.

I missed work for two days this week and the Lord knew it was exactly what I needed.

I've felt so alone ... I've been so alone. 

God has been waiting right there and I chose to just be alone.

While home from work yesterday, I ran for the first time in forever.

God continually speaks to me through the songs I listen to while I run. 

This is what I heard five minutes into my run: 

 

 "I look up to the mountains. Does my strength come from the mountains? No. My strength comes from God ... who made heaven and earth. 

And the mountains."

We are months away from moving from the beach to the mountains. And not just any mountains, but huge volcanic mountains that I've been irrationally afraid of. 

"When confusion's my companion, and despair holds me for ransom, I will feel no fear, I know that You are near. When I'm caught deep in the valley, with chaos for my company, I'll find my comfort here, 'cause I know that You are near."

Of course by then, I looked a slobbery mess on the treadmill. It was the first time I've broken down in 24 days. 

Next, I heard, "Every moment of my life, God You've never left my side. Every valley, every storm, You were there ... You were there. I don't need to know what's next, You'll be with me every step. Through it all ... Through it all ... You carry me."

Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so stubborn and convinced that I just need to do it all ... alone?

He's been waiting right here for me to just look over and say, "I need you. I can't do it alone. I don't WANT to do it alone. I NEED YOU."

Instead, I let myself go numb. I go through the motions and I stuff my emotions inside. 

And He's so patient. He waits right here ... He WAITS for ME.

I don't want to sit stiffly with my back turned any longer. 

I want to fall into His loving arms and let Him carry me.

No matter how alone I feel ... I'm never alone.

He's waiting right here. 

He's waiting for me.