Peace

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Well, I realize I've been somewhat slacking on the blog front. I can barely find the time to run, let alone blog about it! But I'm going to really try to make it a habit again. Our schedule has been packed since school started, but we're finally getting into a routine and adjusting to this new way of life. 

I won't lie, I've slacked just a little on my training. The weekend before last, I was supposed to do a 9.5 mile long run. I attempted it mid-morning, outside, and I barely made it two and a half miles before I had to walk home. The heat was unbearable. I am anxiously awaiting the day when our temperatures drop below 80 degrees! I think I'm over the heat and humidity!

The week after my failed long run, I didn't run at all. I know, I know, shame on me! But I did do my three miles the next weekend with a magic mile of nine minutes and finished a 5k distance in 32:32, which is a personal record for me. If I had done my maintenance runs during the week, I probably could have done better. But, I'm happy to see my times improve anyway!

A certain subject has been on my heart the last several weeks: peace. I took a night last week to just sit in my little library and have some praise and worship and prayer time with God. I felt the Holy Spirit pressing something upon me, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. Finally, the word "peace" came to mind, and I just began to write out verse after verse about it. One particular verse that stood out to me was Romans 15:13, "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

God is the source of hope! When I trust in Him, He will completely fill me with peace! I will overflow with confident hope from the Holy Spirit!

While looking through these verses, I was listening to the Rend Collective Experiment station on my internet radio. For me, music can be both a blessing and a curse. Songs can help heal my heart and pull me toward the Lord, while others bring up painful memories I'd rather forget. In the midst of praising, a song from years past began to play. Just hearing this song usually brings me to tears and feelings of despair, because it was one I listened to constantly during the darkest time of my life. After five or ten seconds of shock, I realized that Satan was trying his hardest to interrupt the sweet moments I was having with the Lord. So I decided to fight back.

I listened to the song in its entirety, fighting desperately against Satan with my pen and paper. I haven't written a poem in years, but I immediately began to identify the lies that Satan wanted me to believe and counteract them with God's Truth.

The place where I find peace

To forget, to leave, to move on

Hiding

My mask

Where is my transparency? 

I can't

... it's six years too fresh.

I can't be used

I've already been used

Lies

Steal, kill, destroy

Interrupted

Reminded, wounded

But NO
I am loved

I am forgiven

I am pure

I am useful

I am a princess

I am a daughter

I am YOURS

Use my pain

... bring me to you.

To the place where I find peace

Peace, sweet peace

Jesus

Just a few songs later, a new song came on that I knew came straight from God. It was called, "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman.  I wish I could quote a particular line from this song, but I can't choose just one without all of the rest. It touched my heart and it was just what I needed. 

To make things even better and more amazing, I felt led to wait up until my husband came home from work. Even though he got off work an hour late, at midnight, I never doubted that I should sit right where I was and wait for him. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't sleep until he heard this song. After he got home, I had him listen and it was just what he needed to hear as well! He shared some struggles he's been having and they all led right back to the theme of the night: peace. I threw open my notes and had him read every verse I'd recorded. It was so wonderfully obvious that God was working through us, for us, that night. 

I am still so unbelievably overwhelmed, a week later, at the blessings God has heaped upon our family. I am so fortunate to have a Godly, spiritual husband. I am so thankful that we are closer than we've ever been and that we can share these "God" moments with one another. We don't just share them, we each see them exactly for what they are. 

Ever since that night, I've been trying to live with God's peace in my heart. While the world around me rages, I want to be the virtuous woman from Proverbs 31, the mighty warrior from the story of Gideon. I want to be strong and courageous, like Joshua and Esther, and rest in the Father. I want to experience the confident hope that comes from the Holy Spirit.

I am choosing to believe God's Truth. To not just believe it, but to live my life believing that it's true. I AM forgiven. I AM loved. I AM good enough. I AM a good wife. I AM a good mother.

I AM a child of God.