New

I was 15 years old the first time he told me no one would ever love me.

With those words, my life changed. I saw myself as unlovable.

I was worthless.

I was unwanted.

I was broken.

I was dirty.

Before that day, I loved myself well and I felt like I loved others well. Not to "toot my own horn," but I just had a naturally generous spirit. That still lingers in my love language today. Giving is how I both show and feel love. But something shifted in that moment. 

The word love became a weapon.

It became a tool to manipulate. 

And it broke my heart.

Suddenly, I found myself trying to earn it. No one could ever love me just for being me. They could only love what I could give or do for them. This always played itself out in one of two ways: I'd either give and give and give until I had nothing left and I was left feeling unloved and worthless ... or I would refuse to give anything at all and I was still left feeling unloved and worthless.

It was true. I was unloved and worthless.

Looking back over the last 15+ years of my life, I've seen the same patterns over and over again. In relationships, friendships, work, church, and my relationship with God. What can I do? How can I serve? What will make people love me? How could God ever love me?

Sometimes I've genuinely come across toxic people who have taken advantage of this. But more often than not, it's a label I've worn all on my own. 

Since that day when I was 15 years old. 

Believing such an awful thing about yourself can nearly ruin your life. I've lived through season after season of depression. I've been married almost 10 years to a wonderful man who has never made me "earn" his love and I've battled these feelings for our entire marriage. 

What can I do to earn his love? Our kids love? My friends' love? God's love? How could anyone ever love me?

I AM UNLOVABLE.

I will never be enough. I can never give enough. I can never do enough. So why would anyone love me? Why would anyone want me?

It's enough to make me want to give up and not try at all. 

BUT GOD.

After months of counseling, and a lot of avoidance, something has finally clicked. 

These have been some difficult months. Days when I haven't wanted to get out of my bed or leave my house. Days I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. I've felt even worse as a person because I've had nothing to give. And remember: no one will love me unless I can give. With nothing to offer, I was sure no one would love me.

But that was a lie.

Despite the wall I've built around my heart, I've felt so much love. From my husband, my kids, my parents, my friends, my coworkers ... people who have known what's going on and people who haven't. 

There have been days when I was horrible to people around me, especially my husband. Days when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I wondered if it was even worth it.

What is love? Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

The TRUTH.

What is the truth? The truth is God loves me. I really don't have anything to give. Nothing that He doesn't already have. I have nothing to offer. There's nothing I could ever do to make Him love me. But He loves me anyway.

HE LOVES ME ANYWAY.

And God's love is played out perfectly in my marriage and in my family. There are days when I have nothing to give. There are days my husband has nothing to give. But I don't love him because of what he can offer me. I love him just because I LOVE him and he's my husband. I love my kids because God gave them to me. They don't love me because of all the ways I serve them. I serve them BECAUSE I LOVE THEM. Not because I need to earn their love.

Coming into 2020 and looking forward to planting this church in Yelm, I've been so afraid. How could I ever give enough or be enough as a pastor's wife? Why would God choose me for this job when I continue to fail over and over and OVER? I can barely keep my head above water most days. 

But it's not about what I can give or what I can do. It's about what God can do. I love God. I love people. I love Yelm. Isn't that what it's all about? After seeing how much God loves me, despite my fears and failures, how could I not want to share that with the city and people I love? There is no weight on my shoulders.

There is only love.

Laying in bed after I fractured my leg this year, I asked God over and over again, "Why?" I had time to stop and question because I wasn't busy running constantly and avoiding the issues I needed to face. When we were told that we shouldn't launch out with a church unless I received counseling, I again asked God, "Why?" I felt like a failure.

But now I understand. I'd spent years and years trying to earn God's love, or avoiding Him, and there was no way I could show His love to others while still trying to earn it for myself.

So my word for 2020 is NEW. My word is FREEDOM. My word is LOVE.

My word is God.

My word is You.

"Dancing on the Waves"

by We The Kingdom

I'm standing at your door

My heart is calling yours

Come fall into My arms

You're weary from it all

Been running far too long

I'm here to bring you home

I'm reaching out

I'll chase you down

I dare you to believe how much I love you now

Don't be afraid

I am your strength

We'll be walking on the water, dancing on the waves

Look up and lift your eyes

The future's open wide

I have great plans for you

Oh, yes I do

Your past is dead and gone

Your healing has begun

I'm making all things new

I'm reaching out

I'll chase you down

I dare you to believe how much I love you now

Don't be afraid 

I am your strength

We'll be walking on the water, dancing on the waves

Can you see us dancing?

I set every star into place

So you would remember My name

I made it all for you

You are my masterpiece

You are the reason I sing

This is my song for you