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Letter from a Recovering Racist

It all started with books. As soon as I learned to read, my world began to change. When I was born, my world was small. I grew up in the Deep South. Fields for miles. Mosquitoes big enough to drain you dry. I lived in the middle of nowhere. Everyone around me looked just like me . Until I started kindergarten. As I grew older, I learned beside people who didn't look like me. But as time went on, the lines were drawn in the sand. We were "us" and they were "them." The lines were drawn with words, attitudes, and beliefs. Were there big explosions of speech and blatant actions? Yes. But most were whispers. It's easy to deny a whisper. A look. A thought. An idea. But many whispers together make a lot of noise. And the sound was deafening. The older I grew, the more books I read. Although I interacted daily with people not like me, I never listened to their voices. Not in person. But I read. I read and I read and I read. I read boo
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I was 15 years old the first time he told me no one would ever love me. With those words, my life changed. I saw myself as unlovable. I was worthless. I was unwanted. I was broken. I was dirty. Before that day, I loved myself well and I felt like I loved others well. Not to "toot my own horn," but I just had a naturally generous spirit. That still lingers in my love language today. Giving is how I both show and feel love. But something shifted in that moment.  The word love became a weapon. It became a tool to manipulate.  And it broke my heart. Suddenly, I found myself trying to earn it. No one could ever love me just for being me. They could only love what I could give or do for them. This always played itself out in one of two ways: I'd either give and give and give until I had nothing left and I was left feeling unloved and worthless ... or I would refuse to give anything at all and I was still left feeling unloved and worthle

Wisdom

Wisdom. It's something that everyone desires to have, and that most people already believe they have. But unfortunately, we the people often choose to say and do many unwise things. I find myself needing wisdom often, but not asking for it nearly enough. Before I speak, before I post, before I act ... did I prayerfully consider why I'm saying, posting, or doing these things? Not usually. I tend to base those decisions on how I feel in the moment ... or how I want the response to make me feel. Sometimes it ends up okay. But other times, it doesn't.  I struggle most in this area when it comes to how I speak. It's not so much that terrible words cross my lips, but more often the wrong attitude. Am I quick to complain or vent my frustrations? Am I uplifting to those around me or do I just fuel the flames of discontent? I typically find that my feelings are fleeting and the words that I've spilled don't even truly reflect my thoughts. But I respond i

Goals or Grows?

"What do you mean, 'If I can'? Jesus asked. 'Anything is possible if a person believes." Mark 9:23 I know that it's not quite 2019 yet, but I have big goals for the upcoming year! And one of my biggest, most terrifying goals is ... ... running a sub-2 hour half marathon.   Honestly, the thought of attempting to do this terrifies me more than the thought of running a full. I am sincerely sitting here, in this moment, believing that there's no way I can run a half that fast. I really believe that I'm more likely to achieve finishing a slow 26.2 miles than I am completing a half in under 2 hours.  But I've written out the training plan to at least try. There have been many things I've told myself I can't do ... so there's no point in trying. But if I've learned anything over the last several years, it's that I'm capable of doing a lot more than I believe . God has truly shown me that He can use me to do am

Abundant Life

"You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross." Colossians 2:13-14 Death. Life. Two opposite sides of the spectrum.  One gives, one takes away.  One an ending, the other a beginning. Our greatest ambition: to live. Our biggest fear: to die.  How do we feel about both of these on any given day?  Some days I feel dead inside. Numb. Purposeless. Just going through the motions. Other days, I feel full of life. Overwhelmed. Purposeful. Overflowing with joy. The difference? JESUS. Every morning I wake up, and my selfish, prideful nature fights so fiercely to take control. No matter how hard I try, in my own power, I can't seem to overcome it. I can go weeks without reaching out to God, even though I know He's right there

And Just Like That ... I'm 30!

  "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9 30 is a milestone. I can't help but reflect over the last decade as I watch the clock click closer to my birthday. On this day ten years ago, I was scared out of my mind. I was leaving my teenage years and I'd just found out I was going to be a mother. My mom held me as I cried, realizing my childhood was officially over. I'd been determined to grow up for so long, but when the time came, I was convinced I wasn't ready. For my entire pregnancy, God drew me closer to Him than I'd ever been before. I had no choice but to lean on Him, and I felt Him promise that He had big plans for my life. I wasn't so sure I believed Him wholeheartedly, but I was at peace. Time began to pass rather quickly after that. My beautiful son was born that year, and 15 months later, in my 21st year, I became a wife. I remember being extremely sick with the stomach virus on

Listening

  "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" Ephesians 3:20-21 It's been exactly one year since we left Florida. I can't believe a year has already passed. It's been a roller coaster for sure, but as I reflect back over the last 365 days, I can see how faithful God has been. Even when my faith wasn't the strongest, and I seriously doubted, God provided every step of the way. When we first felt the stirrings, four years ago, that God was calling us to the Pacific Northwest, God said, "I have a plan for you." When we got our official orders, and the location was Washington, God said, "This is just a peek at things to come." When we struggled to sell our house, and we felt anxious and overwhelmed, God said, "Don't you trust Me?"